MEMOIRS OF A NESS

so i will fill out a meme to calm myself down ;3

( here! )

THIS IS MY TRUE FORM. Really! I like squinting while wearing masks.

( ALSO, THIS IS TERRIBLE )

I'm is. :c

( LOOK HERE FOR MY TERRIBLE COLLECTIONS )

SINCE WHEN DOES HURLEY BURLEY NOT HAVE A LABARET PIERCING? WHEN DID IT DISAPEAR? WAS IT EVER THERE TO BEGIN WITH?


also



ohyaysigotaskedouttonightfantastic!

Go to urban dictionary and type your answer to each question in the search box and paste the answer below the question:

1.) Your name?
Vanessa
2.) Your age?
15

One of the worst ages of being a teenager. You are in the middle and you wind up with the most problems that age. You are too young to drive without an adult, cannot go to the prom, and get a part time job like real teenagers. Your head is up your ass and one day you are still a kid watching cartoons and another day you'll like to have sex. This is also the age when most teen problems occur such as anorexia and cutting. Bob: I am 15... what a crappy age. Only a few months until I turn 16, I can't wait.

s:

3.) One of your friends?
BAILEY :DDD

	the most amazing girl you will ever meet. very musical and super sweet... also amazingly beautiful even though she doesnt believe it guy1: wow bailey is so hot guy 2: ya she is pretty much perfect but she isnt a jerk about it

D: bailey has a girl name.
4.) What should you be doing?
A research paper -w-


5.) Favorite color?
GREEM


6.) Birthplace?
NEW JERSEYYYY D:<

I don't think I'm that belligerent, honestly...
7.) Month of your birth?
September


8.) Last person you talked to?
Maddie

	A really funny girl who is very sexy and smart, she is always flirtatious and brilliant at sex! Oh my god i scored with this chick last night she was amazing and she's hot......yep she must be a maddie!

HAHA
9.) One of your nicknames?
NESS

that is all.

when i go
onto deviantart
the most popular prose
is shit broken
into little sections
like so.

this is not poetry
or prose
i can't begin to understand
why
this techniqueless
"abstract"
formless literature can even be considered
art.

i was gonna post these with the deviation itself...but I don't want every sally and tom seeing my legs ;3;

i get distracted while working on bigger projects...this time I ended up painting my leg. =w=



also, this is a project I'm working on lately~ I'm trying to make a replica of Sailor Moon's Crystal Star Compact:


And this is what my workspace looks like so far. I'm kinda messy. <<

www.cs.unm.edu/%7Eaaron/creative/colorTest.htm

The scary thing about this is, I can honestly see both patterns. I can see the second one better, though. With typical colorblindness tests, I'm fine but this kinda disturbs me ;3;


I'm losin' my sight! /)._./)

Even writing a little livejournal on this is a little immature. I'm a teenager, though, so... Put on your teenangst tolerance goggles.

"It's not me, it's you
Actually, it's the taxidermy of you and me
Around my neck and around me
I'm just a racehorse on the track
Send me back to the glue factory
Always thought I'd float away
And never come back
But I've got enough miles on my car
To fly the boys home on my own
But you know me: I like being all alone
And keeping you all alone
and the charts are boring
and the kids are snoring
and my ankle's in a sling
You say you're not listening and I said I'm wishing...
And I said, I said..."

Guess.

I actually haven't been remembering my dreams lately, however, something spooky/coincidentally happened last week. BUT LETS START EARLIER.

( READ ABOUT DREAMS, ART, AND ADVENTURE ).</div>

( preeeetttyyyyy )

2/16


I started having nightmares this week about 3D movies. In case you don't know, those things are pretty much the only true fear of mine that is irrational. There's a story behind that that I won't get into, ask if you're that curious, though. These dreams were probably caused by the release of Coraline, despite the fact that it's not in 3D at our local movie theater. Still.

Anyways.

I'm a little bit older and persuing a musical career, I think as a composer or producer. The school of music I attend is testing out a new form of musical education and interaction involving computers and virtual reality that is apparently a requirement to pass some class I'm taking. For some reason, the facility with these special computers is located in my mall. I'm eager to try out the equiment before realising that they require the use of 3D glasses. My irrational fear of 3D movies and everything related to them makes me stray from the facility and I refuse to use the equipment. My crazy teacher goes balistic over this, thinking I'm making a big stink over nothing, and confronts me with glasses in hand. I refuse over and over, and she becomes more and more confrontational. It turns into her chasing me, screaming, and me running away.  This dream was frighteningly realistic. I could feel the sensation of my legs going numb from fear and my body tensing up, impairing my ability to run. Even when I did outrun her, she would appear in front of me. The dream ended with her catching me, I woke up before she did anything else. I was sweating and crying when I awoke.

2/17

First dream: I visit Cancun for my summer vacation, as always, but not with my parents. I think I'm a different person because I have blue hair and very very pale skin. I can't remember much, except I end up going into someone else's room and have a threesome wth some dude and his female companion while the maid watches and cleans the room. Also, the TV was on, which was distracting. :<

Second: Another frightningly realistic dream. I , along with another adult figure that I can't identify, try to coach myself into being able to wear 3D glasses and watch movies with them, Coraline in particular. I feel frightened for most of the dream, but for some reason I don't freak out in the way I usually do when I see the glasses, much less touch them or have them on my face. I can't say I know what it's like to watch a movie in 3D since it's been so long since I first did it, but the way it looked in the dream seemed accurate. The dream ends with me in a cellar for some reason. Again, I woke up in a sweat.

chocolate migraine
a box of pulsating nerves
ribbons.


i went to a thrift store in town (aka Dover) and bought a pretty decent sized and condition Charmander plush for a dollar. Those places are guarenteed to have Poke'mon stuff. Cheap furniture too. Personally, I like the antique store better but they're really the same thing. My dad's not so much into it. Or my mom. Sometimes I think the lense through which I see the world was the one that should've been taken off the conveyor belt at the factory but the tired worker overlooked it or possibly left it as a symbol of defiance. bad choice.

i had a really good name for the thing, too. But I forgot it. I might name him Clifton now. He wears a black bandana. I do not know if it means anything in any bandana code. He's got a small hole in his armpit.

bye.

the ten percent of me churns
like a mortar and pestel
that's the dust i want to bite.


dream journal 2/2

I'm given a small asian child to look after as a test of my parenting skills. I bring her to a Kids 'R' Us that really looks more like a Peter Pan wonderland and she runs off. I don't bother looking for her or chasing. I failed the test.

That was a boring one.

I'm waking up later and later , not eating breakfast and forgetting to do homework when I should. The ruts are becoming more and more frequent. I was supposed to come home today and work on the triganometry that I barely understand. Of course I didn't.



chicken for dinner.
feelng jacked.

Haven't been remembering my dreams. Oh well.

Got alot of new art supplies. Finally. Honestly, I'm so much more comfortable with traditional art even though I'm WAY more prone to making mistakes. But it's good for building my patience. I don't get so mad when I make an oopsie anymore =w=

also

god patrick stump you're getting too old to be so cute and to have celebrity/politicalleader crushes. stop it.


ps: it's very hard to find butt shots of you these days. it's okay that you're not as skinny as you used to be; people still wanna see your bottom. Trust me.

1/9

I'm in a high tech city that has appeared in my dreams before. It's like a mashup between chicago, new york city, atlantic city and jersey city. But with smooth buildings and tube-like tramways and ferries. I enter what looks like one of those stairways to a subway, but those are ancient and there's no such thing as a subway. they've all been replaced with entertainment facilities . i've entered a casino. It's relatively new and packed. I've got a little money , and these are the video games for adults, so i play a little. i win some, but not a substantial ammount.  people come in, but no one seems to have thought of leaving. like the slots and tables are virulent with a disease of addiction. more and more machines are set up for the onslaught of newcomers. i stray from my machine, apparently unaffected. they've begun selling food for tokens. people stay in their seats and wait for a robot server to take their order. some have lost so much they can't afford more than a glass of water, but don't seemed moved by the fact. i consider myself lucky to have been able to see past the gimmick f the casino, and leave.

pt. 2

SO BY SOME STROKE OF LUCK, MALLFACE MAKES IT TO THE FABLED LAND OF CHEESEBURGERS AND OBESITY: AMERICA AND WE HANG OUT.  SHE WANTS ME TO SING TO HER, BUT I'M SICK DURING THIS TIME (TRU STORY I HAVE A SORE THROAT AND A COLD RIGHT NOW) AND MY VOICE KEEPS FUCKIN' UP AND SHE IMMEDIETLY BECOMES UNINTERESTED IN ME ;____;

1/6

normal life, except everyone ,instead of having heads, had hovering question marks above their shoulders.

He's right. I do owe you something. You're a good friend. I'm not kidding when I say that I wish you could be here.I threw out my notebooks and journals from that week. All I've got is this Coping With Stress guide for adolescence thing. I only filled out a few papers, but let's turn it into an expository, shall we? 

Bandwagon : Stress


Eustress and Distress

"You are unique. Beacuse you are unique, the things that stress you are dfferent from the things that stress other people. You experience stress in your own way, and you handle it in your own way."

Duh.

"...Eustress is caused by happy circumstances. Cheering for your team, winning a prize ,getting a gift...Most people do not need help to deal with this kinda stress."

That doesn't sound like stress to me...

"Distress is stress caused by unhappy circumstances. Being injured in an accident, failing in some way, being rejected...Many people need help with that kind of stress."

That sounds more like it. The first activity gives you a scenario and you check off never, sometimes, frequently or always.

ALWAYS:
I am concerned about my personal hygiene.
I am concerned about the physical health of people I know.
I am concerned about the mental health of people I know.
I am concerned with my grades in school.
I am concerned about meeting a parents expectations.
I am concerned about not being loved.
I am concerned about not having anyone to talk to.
I am concerned about a problem with my parents.
I am concerned about someone in my family dying.
I am concerned about dying.
I am concerned about my relationship with a female friend.
I am concerned about being rejected.
I am concerned about my physical appearance.
I am concerned about not being trusted.
I am concerned about what other people think of me.
I am concerned about my faults.
I am concerned about failure.
I am concerned about being loved.

NEVER:
I am concerned about getting someone pregnant or being pregnant myself.
I am concerned about gambling.
I am concerned about alcohol.
I am concerned about drugs.

...

The next activities were drawing activities. Of course I did them.

Doodle Clues : Doodle in this space...see if you can find any clues to the sources of stress in your life.

I drew an angry snake, a shooting star, a cake with a spider on it, a sad panda, a stoner and two sock puppets. I don't know what to make of it.

The Face of Your Fear: What is your most distressing stressor? Use this space to draw a picture about it.

A few people talking. Word bubbles come out of their mouths and over a pulley and come out as chains of hearts attached to the limbs of a girl, like a puppet. She looks happy, but...

I skipped a bunch of activities until I got to the part about Distress Myths. You could agree or disagree and write why.

Myth 1 : You must be loved by everyone and everyone must love everything you do.
Disagree. Not everyone has the same beliefs or agrees with everything you say.

Myth 2 : You must be intelligent, competent and capable in everything  you do.
Agree. You won't get it done the right way if you don't.

Myth 3 : The world is over when things don't turn out the way you want.
Disagree. Sometimes fixing something (that is wrong for you) is better than having it turn out right (in the first place).

Myth 4 : You have no control over your own happiness. Your happiness depends on what happens to you.
Agree. I can't just BE happy.

Myth 12: You can't help feeling the way you do.
Agree. I can't.

That's all I've got. I'm doing this to remind myself how much I've changed since then. I'm alot happier and one little slump sure as hell isn't going to get me back to that level. Looking back, I was thinking in such a negative way. I was so hopeless. It's no wonder I couldn't help myself alone. I'm doing alot better, but of course life situations that could be troubling don't desist just because you get past one obstacle. There are hundreds of hurdles still awaiting me. I forget this sometimes.

Keep in mine. Keep in mind.

Hi, I'm Ness. I hate looking in the mirror, going outside and being yelled at. I don't know what kind of person I am because I try time and time again to act normal. I've tried changing my personality over and over. I don't know what traits I possess. That's the truth.